classified LRB

Perusing through these beauties makes me feel like I live in a movie. Albeit, a romcom, but a witty one, where you laugh and smile along even though you are desperately trying not to be influenced by the schlock you are viewing. Here are a few choice ads, if I ever find myself single again, I know where I will turn.

* If forced to commit, I’d say I feared geese more than ducks. Man, 47. Fears geese more than ducks.

* Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.

* Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams (25, tall, brunette, fun, likes late nights, computer games and Pop Tarts), it also wins me a place at the grown-ups’ table. Errant son, 18, swapping Dad’s Hustler subscription for this crap for the last two years.

* I hate you all. I hate London. I hate books. I hate critics. I hate this magazine, I hate this column and I hate all the goons who appear in it. But if you have large breasts, are younger than 30 and don’t want to talk about the novel you’re ‘writing’ I’ll put all that aside for approximately two hours one Saturday afternoon in January. Man, 33.

*Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we’ll make love. Gentleman, 37.

*If you’re reading this hoping for a mini-biopic about battles with drugs, cancer and divorce, talk to the guy above. But if you want to know about historical battle sites in Scotland, talk to me. Alan, 45. Scottish historical battle expert and BDSM fetishist.

and last but certainly not least -

*I make my own sexual lubricant. The secret ingredient is Bovril. Man, 56. Congleton.

yeah i probably posted the funniest ones. but if you're keen for more, or perhaps want to reply to one of these classifieds, do so at the London Review of Books Classifieds online here

i'm too old for this shit

I went to the Big Day Out yesterday. I had a free media pass with access to my own bar and real toilets, so I thought it wouldnt be too painful.

How very wrong I was.

I must be extremely allergic to severe sun, severe nationalism, heterosexual 'Aussie' blokes, overpriced cans of beer, crowds, wankers, excessive police presence, popular fashion etc.

I think I had a wee panic attack of sorts. Maybe it was just heat stroke. I wasn't even drinking. I thought I was going to throw up. Could of had something to do with the guy haemmoraging blood from his arsehole. An image I can't get out of my head now. Or The Living End. I don't know.

Anyway, I think that's it for me and the BDO. Unless The Beatles reform and headline.

The highlight of the day was seeing Black Kids perform. Uber fun. Also, standing near this guy in the bar queue. Awesome.



Maybe I am just a massive hermit party pooper. Everyone else seemed to be having the time of their life. Why couldn't I enjoy myself like they were? What's wrong with me?

Why am I so 'unaustralian'? I really hate nationalism. I hate seeing white people wearing flags, hats, shoes, t-shirts and tats with australia flags and southern crosses on them. urgh. It's so aggressive and threatening. What are they so proud of? How are they better than others just because of the country they were born in?

Why are music festivals a platform for nationalism? Australia Day is in two days time. I am not looking forward to it.

new years resolutions

I hate new years resolutions. It's like they are destined to fail, and take you with them, flailing madly down into a deflated heap in the gutter. Depressed and dejected, full of self loathing and self pity. Pathetic.

I never learnt how to either follow something through or just let it all go and move on. Here's to another year of failed dreams and a miserable, meaningless existence!

So without further ado - I present to all and sundry, with the entire internets as my witness - my 2009 new years resolutions.

1. SAVE MONEY - This means not buying useless, unnecessary crap in the forms of clothes, shoes, take away food, cd's, dvd's, etsy purchases that seemed like a good idea at the time, etc etc etc. This will require making my own breakfast, lunch and dinner.
*Exception - bookclub books and developing film.
GOAL - Saving up for a much needed European holiday in August. Berlin and Sweden here we come.

2. BE LESS SEDENTARY - (i.e get off your lazy arse and get thee to a gymmery.) I have the membership, I am paying good money for it so in order to not stab resolution #1 in the heart, I have to use it. Let's aim for a minimum of 3 times a week and see if we can't raise that number eh?! And try not to spend your alone time lazing on the couch watching foxtel.
GOAL - To not be puffed after walking up the stairs to my apartment.

3. TRY HARDER - at work, at home, with friends and family, with myself. Don't be so lazy - do the dishes, the laundry, make the bed, put away my shit. File stuff. REGULARLY! Work more efficiently, learn more and don't take things so personally. Call people before they call me. Go to the gym. Save harder. Don't let food go to waste. Be more positive. Blog more. Take more photos. Finish things. Try harder to be motivated. Try harder to be a good person.
GOAL - To achieve all three resolutions!

Twilight

I just finished devouring the Twilight Saga. Can't say it was the best written stuff I've ever read but boy did i fall hook line and sinker for that love story. Well, for Edward Cullen, vampire extraordinaire, in particular.

swooooooon.

Sure, I declare myself as an independant feminist but I can't deny that a character such as Edward, with devastatingly handsome looks, intelligence, manners, stacks of cash and most importantly his overwhelming devotion to his love and family and morals didn't have me all starry eyed. dammit. I must be a hopeless romantic at heart... or hopeless dreamer in any case. I don't think his type really exist. (well I'm not certain about the vampire part, I could believe that part, but the rest is just all too good to be true.)

The writing was a cliche and repetitive and predicatable, but hey, it's blockbuster young adult fiction not a booker prize nomination. I was disappointed with how the ending played out. I felt a little flat after I had finished the final book. But what comes up must come down and I was HIGH AS A KITE whilst reading those books. Weeping. Frequently. Laughing like a school girl. Jumping with glee. Embarrassingly so. I haven't been that obsessed over something for a long time. Regardless of it's faults, the series certainly managed to light a fire within me that I hadn;t felt in a long time.

I didn't sleep for 4 days in order to finish them off as soon as possible. (Vampires never sleep though so I can hardly complain.)

Not sure how I feel about the movie. Not sure about whether it will live up to my imagination. But I'm seeing it this Saturday anyway. I'll let you know!

Lessons in being concise and stuff...

This is WAY harder than it looks. One word?! JUST ONE?! Impossible!

Where is your mobile phone? handbag

Where is your significant other? work

Your hair colour? cola
Your mother? loving

Your father? moustachioed

Your favourite thing? tomas

Your dream last night? slurred

Your dream goal? recognition

The room you're in? office

Your hobby? photography

Your fear? pain

Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive

Where were you last night? out

What you're not? genius

One of your wish-list items? maid

Where you grew up? bluemountains

The last thing you did? work

What are you wearing? black

Your TV? on

Your pets? demanding

Your computer? slow

Your mood? sleeeeepy

Missing someone? always
Your car? dirty
Something you're not wearing? socks
Favourite shop? etsy

Your summer? HOT

Love someone? relentlessly

Your favourite colour? red

When is the last time you laughed? yesterday

When is the last time you cried? monday

Hot in the city!

It's getting real hot and humid outside these days. Reaaaaaaaal humid. The kind of humid where you take a shower and can't get dry afterwards. That really bothers me. I try to cool down with a refreshing glass of cold water and by remembering the icy wind of Wentworth Falls that whipped past me as I took this shot.

Plus, flowering trees always fill me with such calm, hope and happiness. Combining the awesomeness of trees with the beauty of blossoms. Brilliant really.

I'm feeling better already.

Sculpture by the Sea - Bondi 2008

Hands down this is my favourite annual exhibition. As if the cliffs along the Eastern Suburbs from Bondi to Bronte weren't dazzling enough, these sculptures just make the whole walk even more exciting.


As does the look on little kids faces as they see each new sculpture. Kids interacting with art is so much more honest and refreshing than tired old adult eyes.

If I learnt anything from my Art Theory degree (and I don't know how much of it I retained anyway, in between all those beers) it would be that whilst a whole lot of studying can teach you a lot about art, not a great deal of people ever bother to learn in the first place. Not in Australia anyway. So you could argue that a lot of people don't have the 'skills' necessary to 'read' an artwork, to understand what the work is about. But kids just dont seem to need those skills. The amount of times I've heard the following - "My 3 year old son could paint better than that" and "I don't know much about art but I know what I like" is depressing. Adults are so boring. So closed off. It's sad.


I guess that's why public art programs are so important. Hopefully people will be more open to all forms of art simply through osmosis?!



See the rest of my holga shots at flickr.com/photos/inthelightofthesun
Or check out the Sculpture by the Sea exhibition in Bondi yourself - on until Sunday 2nd November!

Charlie

He may not be mine but I still love this little fella anyway. He's so purty. And whenever I spy him under my parents car or sunning himself at one of the many houses he hangs out along the street, I always squeal excitedly - CHARLIE!!!! no wonder he loves me!Well he pretends not to but I know he does...

make a list and a cup of tea

one of my favourite pastimes. i don't know the cure.

i miss my bro

My brother moved to Ireland last week. I took this photo on the last few days before he left on a family walk to Bondi. This picture especially reminds me of him because he used to work just to the left of the shot, this park was one of his back yards and with centrepoint tower in the shot (his true north sydney compass) it has many elements of Ben.Miss you matey! hope you find lots of lovely green parks in Dublin.