classified LRB

Perusing through these beauties makes me feel like I live in a movie. Albeit, a romcom, but a witty one, where you laugh and smile along even though you are desperately trying not to be influenced by the schlock you are viewing. Here are a few choice ads, if I ever find myself single again, I know where I will turn.

* If forced to commit, I’d say I feared geese more than ducks. Man, 47. Fears geese more than ducks.

* Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.

* Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams (25, tall, brunette, fun, likes late nights, computer games and Pop Tarts), it also wins me a place at the grown-ups’ table. Errant son, 18, swapping Dad’s Hustler subscription for this crap for the last two years.

* I hate you all. I hate London. I hate books. I hate critics. I hate this magazine, I hate this column and I hate all the goons who appear in it. But if you have large breasts, are younger than 30 and don’t want to talk about the novel you’re ‘writing’ I’ll put all that aside for approximately two hours one Saturday afternoon in January. Man, 33.

*Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we’ll make love. Gentleman, 37.

*If you’re reading this hoping for a mini-biopic about battles with drugs, cancer and divorce, talk to the guy above. But if you want to know about historical battle sites in Scotland, talk to me. Alan, 45. Scottish historical battle expert and BDSM fetishist.

and last but certainly not least -

*I make my own sexual lubricant. The secret ingredient is Bovril. Man, 56. Congleton.

yeah i probably posted the funniest ones. but if you're keen for more, or perhaps want to reply to one of these classifieds, do so at the London Review of Books Classifieds online here