self portrait in words

Characters for an Epic Tale by Tom Gauld

I like to read books. A lot. I especially like the books with good characters. You know, like Harry Potter, Holden Caulfield, Franny and Zooey, Kafka Tamura or Kilgore Trout. After reading this splendid post by the delightful Kate, I decided to write about me as a character. A sort of self portrait in words, if you will.

The Woman:

Often imagines her life as scenes from a film, mostly directed by Jean Pierre Jeunet and Wes Anderson.

Must be kept artificially warm at all times - takes excessively hot showers that scorch her chest tomato red. Will not leave the house without a cardigan, even in summer.

Useless at time management - always either far too early for appointments or late. Often calls ahead warning she is running late then manages to somehow turn up just on time. Then feels embarrassed about earlier unnecessary warning. Likes to read whilst walking, even though it's slow going both ways.

Tells herself these new grey hairs look more silver or even blonde than grey, really. Often thinking about her next meal. Desperately wishes she had a prize winning novel in her but is resigned to the fact that her slightly above average intelligence is unlikely ever to produce one.

Fiercely loyal and completely biased towards those she loves or ideas she believes in. Paralysed by passion - will cry if confronted with arguments against said people or beliefs.

Public transport brings out the worst in her - feels utter disgust and contempt for fellow travellers. Realises the hypocrisy in such arrogant and inhumane thoughts. Detests them all the same. Tries to connect with every cat she encounters. Mostly succeeds.

Cannot last the entire night without going to the toilet. Blames cat for waking her up at 4.30am for breakfast. Quietly fears her bladder contains more will than her mind.

Never believes compliments from sales people, even when she knows them to be true. She does have beautiful green eyes and her bag is gorgeous. But sales people are not to be trusted.

Loves the idea of wearing red lipstick but is wracked by anxiety every time she does. Likes to cheat at card games. Does not follow recipes, uses them only as a guide. Loves puns.

27 and three quarters. Whiskey drinker. Always gives money to accordion buskers.

So, how much to I have to bribe you into including me in your next award winning novel? Anyone got J.K Rowling's email by any chance? J.D Salinger's and a time machine? Haruki Murakami's perhaps?!